A Pilots Note .

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.

What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.

FIVE Minute Management Course.

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings..

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor...

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies....

"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak..'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree...

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at t he top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

You Remember??

Do you remember when ....Your close friends became strangers, lollipops turned into cigarettes, the innocent ones turned into sluts, homework goes in the bin, soda became vodka, kisses turned into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from boys/girls were allergies? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest, the only drug you knew was calpole, wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut, the only thing that hurt you was skinned knees and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we just couldn't wait to grow up ..Shows you how fast things change and how messed up things are now-a-days.